trost | AEFENGLOM IC INBOX ... fellas

Music made from metal?

[ he thinks ur testing him :( ]

Noodle pasta topped with cheddar cheese. [ . . . ] Sasha would love it.

[ When has Jean ever lied to you, Ereh!!! 'Metal Music' is apparently a real thing! Though, the name is all he really knows about it. As he reads about this 'Mac and Cheese', he's entertaining the thought of it, how it might look like. He's heard about noodles now, so he's imagining noodles with cheese on top of them? It sounds like something that could make a person full really quickly.

The conversation was pleasant before, but then Eren goes and brings up that one very sore spot. ]

You ... why'd you have to bring her up ... [ HE'S SAD NOW? EREN????? ]

[ because this is fun > friendship with jean > friendship in general > friends > i don't want them to die > wait one already did.

the thought process is odd off-screen, but makes an escalating wave in eren's head from high to low. maybe they were better off just talking about mac and cheese, but the thought came, and then came the guilt, and then came the necessity to speak when he never had. it's the first time he's set foot on this topic and he feels that— if he doesn't now he never will. he takes the risked leap with eyes closed. ]

I never should've called any of you to Liberio.

[ This isn't something he really wants to talk about, because when he thinks about Sasha it still gets him directly in the heart. With Marco, the pain of his passing continues to gnaw at a part of Jean like a dull ache that might never cease. With Sasha, however, it's more recent, so thinking about her feels like being stabbed directly in the heart. There will always be regrets that he has about her. Why couldn't he have spotted her assailant before it was too late? Why didn't he remind everyone to stay on their guard because they were technically still in enemy territory? Why couldn't he have been a little nicer to her throughout their friendship? It's easy to be thinking these things in hindsight, and he knows that. There's nothing that can be done now.

This isn't what he wants to be talking about, but he also finds it necessary. Jean was looking at the month he's been given here as a month of respite. A month where he can actually rest and make use of the unique opportunity Eren's presence in this world presents him. It was a chance to spend time with an old friend in a world away from all their problems, because they're likely to never have this again when he returns at the end of the month. All that is true, but he's not so foolish to think that everything is fine and resolved now.

He doesn't like to sweep things under the rug. That goes against a large part of his core values. When something needs to be discussed, he will discuss it. ]

Oh, did you figure that out? That's right. She would still be alive if you hadn't done that.

[ he’s known since the second he heard. the ride back to paradis was a silent nightmare next to his brother, where the steam from his limbs would mask most of the choked sobs held hostage in his throat. ]

I thought it was the right call and I could count on everyone. Until Connie said it. [ that she was dead. when the news had come that she was shot, there was still a shred of hope. through the doors, all that blood— it broke everything apart. ] I made a promise after that.

[ Though his words were harsh before, Jean knows the brunt of the blame doesn't lay on Eren's shoulders. It's a combination of factors that put Sasha in that position; ultimately, if there's anything to blame, it's the cruel world that forces them and the people they fought against to act in these ways. Oddly, it's a little relieving to hear about the guilt Eren has. They were wondering if Eren had even cared back then, and Connie was certainly entertaining the thought that Eren had a genuine, amused laugh over Sasha's passing. Jean always had a feeling that wasn't the case, because it wasn't like Eren at all.

It's nice to know he still has his humanity, and they can mourn their good friend in solidarity. He has some things to say about what happened, but he'll listen to what Eren is sharing first. ]

What's this promise ...?

[ it might seem as if jean has been left on read, not because he doesn't want to answer but because . . . he needs a bit. just a few minutes to reflect, and wonder to himself: is telling jean the right choice now? he'll only know after he does it. ]

That I'd never involve any one of you in my choices again.

[ anyone else wasn't the right word choice— because eren had the capability to use other's usefulness to get what and where he wanted. the pool he's grown to love, though, he wanted that off limits. even for himself. ]

[ It's all starting to come together now, why Eren had called them out then refused to speak to them and pushed Mikasa and Armin away right after. They did all wonder how Eren even felt about Sasha's passing, if he was mourning her just like the rest of them, and it seems like her death had a bigger impact on him than Jean had thought. ]

It's not that you involved us. It's that you did whatever you wanted without consulting anyone. You being in Liberio meant that we had no choice but to make the ambush.

Do you understand what I'm saying? We were in the Corps together. It sucked being in a team with a reckless asshole like you, but we were still a team.

[ If Eren had just told them what was going on, all the cards would be out on the table and they'd have been able to make more informed choices. Of course, he can think of a few reasons for Eren's secrecy too. Not wanting Historia to suffer probably played a large part in it, since a titan with royal blood was necessary. There's also the fact that he probably just didn't want them to know he had planned to use the Rumbling and had found a way to.

Jean doesn't actually blame Eren for what happened. He had a part in it, but so did everyone else and the circumstances surrounding them. Back home, Jean's even being friendly with Sasha's actual killer, so it's not like he can still hold Eren accountable for it now. Still, he thinks the guy deserves a good kick and a scolding for all of his decisions back home. ]

[ that's going to be h i l a r i o u s if eren actually consulted YOUR QUEEN first and that would count, so. staying quiet.

another stretch of quiet comes; sometimes eren types, sometimes he removes everything. "team". the word had only begun to heal in eren recently in aefenglom, and it took lengthy persistence. even now— when he thinks about it again, thinks about jean, and connie, sasha, historia, mikasa, armin . . . squad levi comes to mind. every wrong eren's made comes to mind and all the rights when it came to successful teamwork are foggy. ]

You wouldn't have even known if I didn't send you that letter.

[ he would still be mia. maybe he'd come back, maybe he wouldn't. it was a suicidal risk that would probably have more potential to go wrong than right, even if zeke was on his side. it would've been what he'd have to pay to keep them away.

looking at it all over again, then he'd be in trouble. there was no way out. there was no other choice. what would he do, if he died before he could've done anything worthwhile? he'd find a way, was the initial thought, but time was short and allies were slim . . .

he misses those days. he wants them back and can't have it ever again, but to think they all still feel that way— eren's eyes burn. ]

I don't want your forgiveness, but I'm sorry.

[ Jean bristles at Eren's first message. Oh, and is that supposed to be better? Then you'd just be dead. That's not the point, and it's not what any of them want. If Eren hadn't sent that letter, they wouldn't have joined the ambush, but Eren would likely have been overpowered and captured. Paradis would not only lose the Attack Titan and Founder, but Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Connie and Sasha would lose a friend. That's not any better of an outcome. All Jean was asking for was some kind of communication.

Honestly, though, he does have a feeling things would have ended up the same way either way. They searched for so long for a diplomatic option and none was found. Up to now, he still has no solution besides the Rumbling. If Eren had stayed and let them in their options, the higher-ups would definitely start looking at Historia as the way to activate the Rumbling. Even if, for some reason, they decide to go ahead and pick up Zeke in Liberio, an ambush would still be necessary, and people would die. If not Sasha this time, it could have been Mikasa, or Armin, or Jean himself ... He's not stupid enough to think there's really an option where everything works out and everyone survives.

And that's just the kind of world they live in. They're always going to lose so much just for any kind of small win. ]

You should feel sorry. But I'm not the one to apologise to.

I was right beside her when she got shot. We eased up for only a second, thinking we were safe ... As the Commanding Officer, I failed her.

[ So they're all to blame for this. ]

Jean

[ it’s fast and it’s immediate after the last words, but eren hadn’t thought of what else to say beyond that. he hadn’t thought really, to just type “jean” either as if trying to scold him into silence. ]

There’s no way out and there never has been.

[ that’s the closest he might get in a while to say “this was fated”. ]

Why do you say that like it's a certainty?

[ It doesn't make sense to him how Eren sounds so sure. It's true that they tried and tried and no better option seemed to arise, but they could always learn something new in the future that might change the game. They will never come to know everything they need to know to make an absolute decision, and he's learned this a long time ago.

The fact that he's challenging the pessimistic absolute brings Jean's attention to how much he himself has really changed. The Jean who had first joined the military was certain that humanity's demise was afoot. The Jean speaking to Eren right now does want to believe there's something that can be done, even if a huge part of him cannot see a solution arising. Is it hope? No, more like an unwillingness to bear the weight of the guilt that comes with having the rest of the world flattened just so you can live. ]

[ again, eren thinks. should he say something at all? should he say it now? should this really be over text when one thing accidentally went south? eren considera saying more: maybe i’ll tell you sometime or maybe you’ll know soon enough. but giving false hopes like those, for the both of them, somehow felt worse than hiding it.

either way it went, eren makes his choice and finally sends what is typed after so many times of going back and redoing his thoughts on the screen. ]

Go get some rest.

[ and that’s the last that he’ll be typing. he’s ruined enough already. ]

[ Eren's definitely hiding something, but Jean knows he's such a stubborn personality that once he's decided not to disclose, no amount of prying will persuade him. Jean was enjoying the first half of the conversation even if he made so many complaints. It's a shame that this is how it turned out. ]

Write to me at a decent time next time.

[ 'Write to me' ... he sees these as mini-letters. He doesn't expect Eren to respond now, so he starts preparing to return to bed. ]

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