trost | AEFENGLOM IC INBOX ... fellas

[ that's going to be h i l a r i o u s if eren actually consulted YOUR QUEEN first and that would count, so. staying quiet.

another stretch of quiet comes; sometimes eren types, sometimes he removes everything. "team". the word had only begun to heal in eren recently in aefenglom, and it took lengthy persistence. even now— when he thinks about it again, thinks about jean, and connie, sasha, historia, mikasa, armin . . . squad levi comes to mind. every wrong eren's made comes to mind and all the rights when it came to successful teamwork are foggy. ]

You wouldn't have even known if I didn't send you that letter.

[ he would still be mia. maybe he'd come back, maybe he wouldn't. it was a suicidal risk that would probably have more potential to go wrong than right, even if zeke was on his side. it would've been what he'd have to pay to keep them away.

looking at it all over again, then he'd be in trouble. there was no way out. there was no other choice. what would he do, if he died before he could've done anything worthwhile? he'd find a way, was the initial thought, but time was short and allies were slim . . .

he misses those days. he wants them back and can't have it ever again, but to think they all still feel that way— eren's eyes burn. ]

I don't want your forgiveness, but I'm sorry.

[ Jean bristles at Eren's first message. Oh, and is that supposed to be better? Then you'd just be dead. That's not the point, and it's not what any of them want. If Eren hadn't sent that letter, they wouldn't have joined the ambush, but Eren would likely have been overpowered and captured. Paradis would not only lose the Attack Titan and Founder, but Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Connie and Sasha would lose a friend. That's not any better of an outcome. All Jean was asking for was some kind of communication.

Honestly, though, he does have a feeling things would have ended up the same way either way. They searched for so long for a diplomatic option and none was found. Up to now, he still has no solution besides the Rumbling. If Eren had stayed and let them in their options, the higher-ups would definitely start looking at Historia as the way to activate the Rumbling. Even if, for some reason, they decide to go ahead and pick up Zeke in Liberio, an ambush would still be necessary, and people would die. If not Sasha this time, it could have been Mikasa, or Armin, or Jean himself ... He's not stupid enough to think there's really an option where everything works out and everyone survives.

And that's just the kind of world they live in. They're always going to lose so much just for any kind of small win. ]

You should feel sorry. But I'm not the one to apologise to.

I was right beside her when she got shot. We eased up for only a second, thinking we were safe ... As the Commanding Officer, I failed her.

[ So they're all to blame for this. ]

Jean

[ it’s fast and it’s immediate after the last words, but eren hadn’t thought of what else to say beyond that. he hadn’t thought really, to just type “jean” either as if trying to scold him into silence. ]

There’s no way out and there never has been.

[ that’s the closest he might get in a while to say “this was fated”. ]

Why do you say that like it's a certainty?

[ It doesn't make sense to him how Eren sounds so sure. It's true that they tried and tried and no better option seemed to arise, but they could always learn something new in the future that might change the game. They will never come to know everything they need to know to make an absolute decision, and he's learned this a long time ago.

The fact that he's challenging the pessimistic absolute brings Jean's attention to how much he himself has really changed. The Jean who had first joined the military was certain that humanity's demise was afoot. The Jean speaking to Eren right now does want to believe there's something that can be done, even if a huge part of him cannot see a solution arising. Is it hope? No, more like an unwillingness to bear the weight of the guilt that comes with having the rest of the world flattened just so you can live. ]

[ again, eren thinks. should he say something at all? should he say it now? should this really be over text when one thing accidentally went south? eren considera saying more: maybe i’ll tell you sometime or maybe you’ll know soon enough. but giving false hopes like those, for the both of them, somehow felt worse than hiding it.

either way it went, eren makes his choice and finally sends what is typed after so many times of going back and redoing his thoughts on the screen. ]

Go get some rest.

[ and that’s the last that he’ll be typing. he’s ruined enough already. ]

[ Eren's definitely hiding something, but Jean knows he's such a stubborn personality that once he's decided not to disclose, no amount of prying will persuade him. Jean was enjoying the first half of the conversation even if he made so many complaints. It's a shame that this is how it turned out. ]

Write to me at a decent time next time.

[ 'Write to me' ... he sees these as mini-letters. He doesn't expect Eren to respond now, so he starts preparing to return to bed. ]

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